Roast of the Top Coins

BTC – In the short span of just 50 years, we should be able to get everyone an opening LN transaction!

ETH – Decentalized cumswaps and shiba moons. Basically the lottery all over again, but for millenials.

BNB – Paid CEX is dirty, but it feels slightly less dirty if you use a BNB token to pretend it's decentralized.

Doge – One of those instances where the mascot is more intelligent than the team.

USDT – Fined $18.6 mil for printing fake money; prints exactly $18.6 mil the next day to pay the fine.

ADA – Smug bearded man will blockchainize food in Ethiopia; just as soon they can compile "Hello Africa" onchain.

XRP – Banks will make Ripple execs the wealthiest on Earth, and definitely not just rip the code for their own CBDCs instead

DOT – Put the blockchainz on a Blockchain!™ It'll be turtles all the way down.

BCH – Prolific forkers who somehow love ASICs despite losing the hashwars. Don't call it bcash or Roger will ragequit

LTC – Unholy genetic clone of BTC. Abandoned by father.

XLM – Wait, I thought we already did Ripple?

TRON – CZ jealy of Eth get'n all that Tether love. Had his boi Sun make a clone for some ménage à trois action with Paolo.

XMR – It's cool but is a bit of privacy really worth getting put on the terror watch list?

And if you respond with "Aghhkkttchually…" then you're a virgin nocoiner