I Read All The New So You Don’t Have To: Final Edition

Welcome back to another thrilling installment of I Read All The News So You Don’t Have To: Bringing you today’s most important news, today.

Let’s get straight down to business!

As I hinted at yesterday, the ETH merge is going to happen on September 15th. People expect big things from this, mainly that the price of ETH will crash about a week before the date. Unless it’s earlier because people playing 4D chess are anticipating it to crash a week before and they may sell 2 weeks before. Or it might rise when people who have staked their ETH realise it won’t be released to them at that time and they’re forced to hold it a bit longer.

A $150 million yacht named Much Wow was left behind by the founders of Three Arrows Capital after they went into hiding. In the same linked post, the yacht is later valued at $50 million, proving that you should always buy yachts used because they lose 2/3 of their value as soon as you drive them out of the dock. No word yet if police have checked to see if they’re on the yacht. When asked to comment on the pair’s level of skill at Hide and Go Seek, an anonymous source was quoted as saying “they’re really good.”

Feeling depressed? Can’t get through the day without drinking boxed wine and taking generic Tylenol? Join the club. It’s a tough time to be in crypto. Right now, we are experiencing a rally that is actually the start of a bull run. Sadly, it turns out that that bull won’t be able to run far because we are also simultaneously in a bull trap. But fear not, because now that summer is almost over CryptoMode reports that we have a bullish summer ahead of us. This may not matter much anyway because crypto gigaprophet Peter Schiff has predicted that, with Mercury about to be in retrograde, BTC will crash to $10k. It will presumably continue to crash until Mars apologises to Uranus for calling him a “poopy bumhole” and Jupiter admits he’s got a gambling problem.

In news that hits very close to home, people in r/cc still have absolutely no idea what the hell Arbitrum Nova is and how they can use it to turn karma from link posting into L1 ETH. Proud New Yorkers initially claimed they didn’t care about this, but it turned out that this was because FTX doesn’t let them buy crypto anyway.

Are you a dog lover? Boy do I have a challenge for you! DOGE, today, continued to defy Redditors who call it the worst thing ever by launching the actual worst thing ever: its own chain using DOGE as gas. Its current top tokens are widely speculated to be three of the four horsemen of the crypto apocalypse: DogeEatDoge, DogeBurn and DogeTools. This is just this intrepid reporter’s speculation, but surely DogeDeezNuts can’t be far behind?

Do Kwon has broken his silence for the first time for the 3rd day in a row and is still really sorry he got caught scamming you all out of billions of dollars. He is said to be seeking redemption with LUNA 3, and to make it up to you will offer, for a limited time, an APY of 60%.

In international news, dusting attacks, popularised by the 1988 Jean Claude van Damme movie BloodSport, are on the rise. Instead of just draining your wallet though, these attacks seem to seek to get you banned from exchanges. More word to follow on why people think this is hilarious enough to pay 0.1 ETH for and how the members of r/cc can get in on the action.

In revolutionary news, an anti-crypto party will be held in 15 days and will presumably be attended by a multi-generational gathering of rich people who are trying to pull the ladder up behind them and poor people who don’t know they’re poor and are secretly the butt of all the jokes told by the rich people. ButtCoiners will presumably attend to celebrate how their lives aren’t based on Bitcoin like us, but rather how they’re based on not being based on Bitcoin.

For today’s pièce de résistance, we move onto those much loved, but never fungible, tokens, NFTs. NFTs – are they more than lossy JPEGs of the ugliest art imaginable by man or beast and decisive proof that the Lord is both real and furious with us? Beincrypto.com thinks so, and says that if they’re backed by gold and precious metals (which, presumably gold is not) they’ll create a robust portfolio for you. Or perhaps you could just buy crypto to, you know, be in crypto.

And so we finally come to the end. It is with regret that I inform you that this will be the final edition of I Read All The News So You Don’t Have To. I have recently been shaken to the core by a post about how much everyone in r/cc is down and I found out that all completely honest, factual and totes truthful commenters were only down 10%. As I am still 67% down, despite averaging down, I am officially too poor and stupid to read the news. Please join me in my new business venture (which I got inspiration for on r/cc today): not merely posting links to articles with no comment, but also giving them a Comedy flair.

It has been an honour serving you all and I thank you for taking the time to read the disturbed ramblings of a poor man.

Edit: Endless issues posting with iPad Reddit client today!